Advent

As we have entered the Advent season I have started to reflect on its meaning quite a bit.  Just thinking about what advent means: to be expectantly waiting.  When we consider the Christmas season it is a time when we celebrate the expectant waiting of the birth of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.  So we retell the story of the events that happened as his arrival drew near.  We hear of Elizabeth  and Zachariah, and the promise of the birth of a son who will make ready a people for the Lord.  Then Mary being visited by an angel with the good news that she will give birth to the Savior as a virgin.  And then there is the journey or Mary and Joseph heading to Bethlehem.  I can only imagine their thoughts as they came closer every day to the city and the birth of their son who would be the Savior of the world.  And then it was time and the one they had been waiting for, not only for those nine months of pregnancy but since the first Old Testament reference to their being a Savior, entered this world.  So we celebrate that waiting and  God's faithfulness and grace as he humbly entered this world as a baby in a manger to save us from our sin one day in His perfect timing by dieing on the cross.  Wow.... God is good....

Even as we celebrate though this fulfillment of promise and the end of that waiting, I find myself in my own advent season.  I'm still waiting to get on campus and start working with students.  I see God working and it is very clear that this is what I called to do but I'm not there yet.  I see the donations coming in, surely but slowly.  I see clearly that my heart is with the IV students even though I do enjoy the work I'm doing right now with the After School Program at Circle Urban Ministries.  I'm reminded of the one night I spent being a part of the leadership selection committee back in November for AU's next leadership team and small group leaders.  It felt so natural for me to be there.  I came out of their so energized and excited.  I had started to forget just how much I loved what I will be doing.  That was definitely a God thing, as He reminded me that He has not forgotten my heart for those students and I will get there.... in His time.  So I feel like I am on that journey like Jospeh and Mary.  I know I'm going to get there but I don't know when.  I'm getting close and now I'm starting to get antsy.  I'm up to about 46% of my budget raised and I need to be at 70% to start working on campus.  I'm so close but it seems like like I'm moving so slow.  It seems like I'm stuck in this waiting season, this advent, but I know God is faithful and His plans are far greater and better than my own.  So I must wait, and be patient, as God works in His time to prepare me on this journey to be ready when I reach my destination. 

Though I need to wait on God's timing to get me there, I still need to do my part to get prepared.  That part is fund raising.  I need to keep asking people to join my support team, nurture the donor relationships I do have, and continue to work on building new networks to partner with in this ministry.  It seems simple enough but is hard to stay committed to.  It has been hard to work on as I've had this other job, since I do need money to survive.  I need to make sure I'm not neglecting this important task I have to do as I wait to get on campus.  So I think I've been slacking and now I need to get back into the swing of what it will take to get me on campus.  I need to go boldly into fund raising and not back down.  So I will celebrate this Christmas with a new respect for the meaning of Advent and also in thanking God for using my own season of advent to remind me what it means.

The thought of being able to serve each one of these amazing students is enough to get me back on track with fund raising.

(If you would like to help me get on campus and partner with me in ministering to the college students, please follow this link to join my financial partners: https://donate.intervarsity.org/support/Anne_Miller)

Holiday vs. Christmas

Please note as you read that I am in no way trying to bash or devalue the traditions we hold near and dear to our families and childhood memories or the ideas of giving, love, joy, and generosity that the Christmas season encourages in all of us.  Rather I am more commenting on what appears to be lacking and forgotten at times in our seasonal celebrations through the eyes of a Christ follower.  

I think that this post's topic has been building up inside me for a number of years.  I remember way back in High School I wrote a paper on it my junior year called "Santa-mas". So this post is long over due I believe.  With it being that time of year again, the the stores are filling their aisles with wish list items, the commercials have taken on a holiday flair & are telling us this is the best sale of the season so buy your gifts earlier, and TV channels are already promising their holiday countdown starting in mid November.  With all those things filling the media every way you turn, my feelings have just come flooding right back.  I can't quite put my finger on what my feelings are but I think it is something along the lines of annoyance, mixed with anger, mixed with frustration, mixed with exasperation. But I do know what about all this bothers me.

I see everything Santa, Snowmen, Snowflakes, Nutcrackers, presents, Reindeer, trees, & lights.  But in the midst of all that I see nothing but the occasional slightest reference to the name sake of CHRIST-mas, through the use of a Nativity scene. When I was younger I won't lie, I loved all of the stuff I listed above and never thought twice about it.  Seriously though, I still enjoy it all.  I watch the traditional Christmas movies, make Christmas cookies, decorate the tree, I mean I even have Star Wars Christmas ornaments.  Some of my favorite memories are of watching White Christmas and National Lampoons Christmas vacation with my family as we decorated the tree we went out to find.  However, over the past years I have started to think something is not entirely right and very wrong with this, or at least missing.  And I finally realized what was causing my distress over the things I used to not think twice about.  

My zeal for Christ has finally won out over the zeal for traditions and the commercialized "Holiday".  The Nativity is not supposed to be merely a piece of Christmas set under the tree but the entire reason and celebration of the season.  It is not just a day either, but the whole season of Advent; the waiting to celebrate the birth of the Savior, our Emmanuel, on Christmas.  We aren't supposed to fit Christ into our Christmas but have Christ the center of our celebration.  I have been told very often that what we spend our money and time on represents what we value.  So I begin to question, how much time during the Advent/Christmas season do I actually spend celebrating the birth of the Savior and how much time do I spend in the stores and on tradition or on presents?  Am I buying into the gift of God or the gift from Khols?  Who do I think of more, Joseph & Mary acting in faith and obedience or Santa Claus bringing me a present?  If my Christmas was represented by a pie-chart, which piece would be the largest?  It is a very convincing place to come to, but I think a good spot to be in.

So I have come to the conclusion that I don't mind them now calling things Holiday decorations and celebrations because I don't think it is reverent to associate crazy sales, mass buying & over spending, wish lists, and superficial uses of the phrase "Merry Christmas" with the birth of the Savior of the world.  I'd rather have the term Christmas used sparingly in the proper context and heart condition than in a commercialized form to encompass everything used to celebrate the time of the year that Christmas falls in.  Thoughts of Merry Christmas should first bring to mind images of a babe in the manger, not of Santa on the roof. So I myself am convicted this year to be more reflective in the way I celebrate this Christmas season, to look at the celebrations and traditions in a new light.  I need to remember that what I, as a Christian, am celebrating.  I need to celebrate more like the shepherds did those many years ago... 

^{Luke 2:8-20
8} And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. ⁹ And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with great fear. ¹⁰ And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. ¹¹ For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. ¹² And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” ¹³ And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest,
    and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”

¹⁵ When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” ¹⁶ And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. ¹⁷ And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. ¹⁸ And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. ²⁰ And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.

What Is The Purpose of Fund Raising? ... Well...

So I've been fund raising full time since May but a little bit since January.  In all my encounters with people where I discuss my fund raising, so often I hear the comment "It is too bad you can't just be on campus..." or "What is the point of making you have to raise so much before you're on campus...".  Now during this season where I'm fund raising but not enough is coming in; where there are days I think that nothing is coming from the effort I put in; where I question God why and when; and now forced to find a part time job, I have come to realize that I am so much like Moses.  As I was doing my devotional today through "My Utmost For His Highest", this particular topic was on individual discouragement and personal enlargement (the passage is below).  The past they were looking at was back in Exodus 2 when Moses feels the need and calling to save his people but is forced into the wilderness only to be called back in 40 years.  As Oswald Chambers explains Moses circumstances he reveals something else.  Moses wasn't ready to lead and fulfill the vision he had, until he was able to say when finally called back "Who am I".  It took 40 years in the wilderness caring for sheep and learning communion with God before he was ready to fill the vision God had originally gave him.

So what does any of this have to do with fund raising you ask? EVERYTHING!  For a staff that is fund raising, that season of seeing God's vision for the campus but not being funded enough to get on campus is an equivalent to the 40 years in the wilderness for Moses.  We know we are called but God wants to teach us a few things first until our vision is no longer about me being able to do what I know I can do but about God and His plans and that He is the one sending me.  In the mean time though, even though my desire is to be working with students, God is teaching me valuable lessons about how to walk with Him.  Everyone in IV tells you that what you learn in fund raising is very applicable to what we do in ministering to student.  However, I would like to take it a step farther and say that this is a time where God is teaching me how to better spend time and walk with Him.  He is giving me this wilderness experience for my own good.  Even though it can become discouraging as an individual, it is actually to prepare me for His calling in my life. 

So what is the purpose of fund raising? Why should I be forced to do such a thing? The purpose of fund raising is to make me less and Him more, to get to that point where I can honestly say "Who am I to go and minister to these students?" "Who am I to be called to lead an InterVarsity Chapter?"  It is to put things in the right perspective and learn how to closely walk with the One by whose strength alone can I accomplish the vision He has given me.  Like any job there is some form of training, and this is my training ground, the wilderness of fund development.  So I will "tend my sheep" here until God knows I am ready and brings me to care for the students on the college campus.

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October 13th

Individual discouragement and personal enlargement

Moses went unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens. Exodus 2:11.

Moses saw the oppression of his people and felt certain that he was the one to deliver them, and in the righteous indignation of his own spirit he started to right their wrongs. After the first strike for God and for the right, God allowed Moses to be driven into blank discouragement, He sent him into the desert to feed sheep for forty years. At the end of that time, God appeared and told Moses to go and bring forth His people, and Moses said—‘Who am I, that I should go?’ In the beginning Moses realized that he was the man to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first. He was right in the individual aspect, but he was not the man for the work until he had learned communion with God.
 
We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing; then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say—‘Oh, who am I!’ We have to learn the first great stride of God—“I AM THAT I AM hath sent thee.” We have to learn that our individual effort for God is an impertinence; our individuality is to be rendered incandescent by a personal relationship to God (see Matthew 3:11). We fix on the individual aspect of things; we have the vision—‘This is what God wants me to do’; but we have not got into God’s stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead.


Chambers, O. (1986). My utmost for his highest: Selections for the year. Grand Rapids, MI: Oswald Chambers Publications; Marshall Pickering.

Freefall

So the past couple of mornings I have woken up with a song stuck in my head, but only part of it.  So I pulled it up on I-Tunes and listened to what it was saying.  As I played it and looked at the lyrics I was astonished to realized that they described my situation perfectly.  The song tells the story of someone who has taken a huge leap of faith and is in between the decision to make the leap and the end result.  But in the midst of all that the uncertainty of when they will get there and how they will get there and what will happen now, they feel security because God is holding them through it all.  In the eyes of any other person the jump was a crazy move to make and any other person should be terrified; but the person knows that because they are following God, He is carrying them through it all.  After the second time through the song I couldn't believe it.  This was describing my situation and what I was feeling.  I have taken this huge leap of faith, having to trust God to provide for me, to lead me, to teach me through everything.  From the outside many people would think that this kind of lifestyle is crazy, having to fund raise, work with students, and do ministry work.  But, I can rest safe and secure in the knowledge that have nothing to fear and that I am not alone because God is holding me through it all.  Even when it feels like I am falling because of the uncertainty, I know that God is holding onto me.  So I am blessed to be in this place where I have no choice but to trust that God will bring me through and provide all I need.  Not everyone get's the chance to understand what it means to trust that God will provide everything.  It might be hard but I know that I will only grow closer to God because of it.  There is no choice but to get closer because the closer to Him I get the safer I will be.  So I can rest assured that: 

I'm not afraid
I know I'm safe
It's a chance but my choice is made
I'm not alone
You won't let go
And I know through it all
You hold me in the freefall

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Freefall by Royal Tailor

Two steps beyond the edge
I can't undo this leap of faith
Takes my breath away
So high above the ground
You've got me hanging in mid air
Between here and there
Now all I have is You

I'm not afraid
I know I'm safe
It's a chance but my choice is made
I'm not alone
You won't let go
And I know through it all
You hold me in the freefall

If I just believe my eyes
I'd see I should be terrified
But I'm so alive
I don't know how or when
But I believe that You'll come through
Lord, I'm trusting You
Can't wait to see what You will do

I'm not afraid
I know I'm safe
It's a chance but my choice is made
I'm not alone
You won't let go
And I know through it all
You hold me in the freefall

I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling

You got me falling from the sky with no parachute
Thinking I can fly but I know it's You
Got me up here, no fear, no tears
Mind's clear 'cause I know You're here
Can't wait to see what You will do

I'm not afraid
I know I'm safe
It's a chance but my choice is made
I'm not alone
You won't let go
And I know through it all
You hold me in the freefall

Reflection on My Utmost for His Highest: Missionary Munitions

I read this today and it is 100% true for InterVarsity Staff.  During whatever season God has us in at this moment, whether it is fund development, ministry with students, administrative work, moving to an unfamiliar place, staying in the same place we have been our entire lives, or anything else, are we displaying Christ in the most menial work we do?  Ministry does not start only once I start working with students.  It started much before that.  At home, at school, in the application process, in fund raising, in moving, in training, in my life away from direct contact with InterVarsity, these are places of the most ordinary actions but can be transformed into ministry when I act as Christ did.  When I am an example of Christ in all my surrounds and not just my "ministry job."  So if I say that I am not doing ministry until I start working with students, I am sorely mistaken and not ready to work with them.  I have the opportunity to minister to others in ALL parts of my life, INCLUDING fund development.

Below find the devotional I read.

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September 11th

Missionary munitions

Ministering as Opportunity Surrounds us. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet, ye also ought to wash one another’s feet. John 13:14.

Ministering as opportunity surrounds us does not mean selecting our surroundings, it means being very selectly God’s in any haphazard surroundings which He engineers for us. The characteristics we manifest in our immediate surroundings are indications of what we will be like in other surroundings.

The things that Jesus did were of the most menial and commonplace order, and this is an indication that it takes all God’s power in me to do the most commonplace things in His way. Can I use a towel as He did? Towels and dishes and sandals, all the ordinary sordid things of our lives, reveal more quickly than anything what we are made of. It takes God Almighty Incarnate in us to do the meanest duty as it ought to be done.
 
“I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.” Watch the kind of people God brings around you, and you will be humiliated to find that this is His way of revealing to you the kind of person you have been to Him. Now, He says, exhibit to that one exactly what I have shown to you.

‘Oh,’ you say, ‘I will do all that when I get out into the foreign field.’ To talk in this way is like trying to produce the munitions of war in the trenches—you will be killed while you are doing it.

We have to go the ‘second mile’ with God. Some of us get played out in the first ten yards, because God compels us to go where we cannot see the way, and we say—‘I will wait till I get nearer the big crisis.’ If we do not do the running steadily in the little ways, we shall do nothing in the crisis.


Chambers, O. (1986). My utmost for his highest: Selections for the year. Grand Rapids, MI: Oswald Chambers Publications; Marshall Pickering.

Being an Introvert in an Extrovert World

Most anyone who is a part of InterVarsity is very familiar with the concept of Introverts and Extroverts.  But to give a quick summary, Introverts enjoy spending time alone, that is how they recharge their batteries.  Introverts generally have to process information before they speak about it.  They do not typically like large group settings but enjoy smaller settings and a few very close friends.  Extroverts on the other hand love being around people and gain energy from that.  Extroverts typically process things externally, so they normally say whatever is on their mind.  They love huge crowds with lots of people and interacting with as many people as possible.  So that's a general idea of Introverts and Extroverts, but it tends to be a spectrum so people vary.

I am an Introvert.  I love spending time alone reading and thinking.  I might not be super talkative but if I say something it means I have processed it and I am finally ready to share with the world what conclusions I have drawn.  It is hard for me to juggle many relationships.  I enjoy depth as quality over quantity.  And for most of my life I have been indirectly told that all these things are bad.  That it was not a good thing to only interact with a few people at a party or event.  That it was not normal to not speak up often in class discussions.  That is was odd to not want to be in the center of attention.  That in order for me to be a good leader, I had to be an Extrovert, loud, outgoing, and "fun".  Though I was told that people loved and admired my "quiet and gentle spirit", in so many ways I was also told I needed to be different if I was to be a leader, even in ministry work.  And I believed all that.  I became an "E Ninja", putting every single ounce of energy I had into social gathers and trying to convince others that I was an Extrovert only to be exhausted and drained on a constant basis.  I celebrated be crazy and out going because others celebrated it.  I was hard on myself when I did not welcome all the new students or talk to one more person at a proxe station because I needed to be an example of leadership.

So why did I put myself through this you may ask.  Why did I not just take the back seat and ride things out, and not lead?  The truth is God put me in those leadership positions and called me into ministry work.  I knew God called me there so I thought I had to change that part of my personality.  Leaders in ministry work should be charismatic and out going I was taught, not thoughtful and quiet.  So I did just that only to wear myself out on a consistent basis.  I believed that this was what leaders should act like only to have God bring that to a grinding halt this summer.

For awhile now I was questioning why God would call me, and Introvert, into what I saw as an Extroverted job.  Being in ministry is a very exhausting position for Introverts because dealing with so many people is draining.  I questioned how I could possibly be a leader as an Introvert.  So at Orientation for New Staff in June when I saw a book on the IVP table about being an Introvert in the Church I had to get it.  I wanted to see how an Introvert could possibly be called into ministry when ministry leaders are expected to be such Extroverts.  And needless to say what I began to read blew my mind.

As I began to read "Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture" I began to completely revise how I saw myself as a leader.  Page after page, paragraph after paragraph, I found myself agreeing with the author on thoughts, feelings, and situations that he was describing as being an Introvert.  The feeling of inadequacy because I did not fit the leadership model.  The thought that I had to put on an Extroverted mask in order to work in ministry.  Finding myself stumbling for words because I had nothing to say or did not have enough time to think about it.  Page after page I thought he was describing me! 

And then in the midst of that hearing the words that God made me to be an Introvert and to lead as an Introvert was so refreshing and mind blowing all at once I was not quite sure what to do.  Being told that being an Introvert can bring valuable things to the leadership table was a very encouraging thing to hear.  How God made me was valuable and I did not need to try to change it.  Introverts can be leaders too.  The author went on to show Biblical leaders who exhibited more Introverted qualities than Extroverted qualities  and I could not believe I never saw it before.  He listed off leaders like Jacob, Moses, Mary, and even Jesus exhibited Introverted qualities.  Jacob was a quiet man who preferred staying in his tent.  Moses stumbled for words and was slow of speech.  Mary pondered the news the news from the angel in her heart.  Jesus went off to a quiet places to pray and encouraged his disciples to come away from the crowds for awhile.  But God used all these people in His plan!  God picked out specific people to lead in their Introvertedness. 

You might say that this is not all that amazing of a revelation and I should have already known God can use me in my weaknesses. But after 22 years of being told indirectly otherwise, this is a huge deal.  And to be told that my personality is not a weakness but a strength really affirms that God carefully and wonderfully made me.  In our American culture, the ideal picture of a leader is someone who is personable, outgoing, fun, exciting, charismatic, and energetic.  So to be told that the way God created me to be a leader is valuable too is refreshing.  To be told that being thoughtful, reflective, and a natural listener are good traits of a leader is an encouraging thing to hear.  I do believe that the image of leadership we are so often shown in the American culture is very one sided.  There are people out there who have a lot to bring to the table but they are told that because they do not fit the mold they will not be able to do that.  We need to encourage people to lead out of their strengths instead of trying to fit a mold that only a few people can actually fill.  God's idea of leadership is not based on physical appearance but on the heart (1 Samuel 16:17).  So now I am relearning what it means that God called me into leadership and what it looks like to remain true to who I am as an Introvert and lead at the same time.

Reflections from "My Utmost for His Highest"

Today I was reading from my devotional and I thought this was a very awesome passage to share with everyone.  As you do ministry work it can be tough and overwhelming.  A number of times I have found myself saying, "How can I possibly do this? Will I ever make it?" and here I am still only working on fund raising!  Yet here in the midst of the stress of fund raising and the worry of having what I need, I am promised peace.  When I'm worrying about my funding, I'm only thinking about this one little thing and forgetting that God promises peace if I just continually focus on Christ instead of my circumstances.  I become overwhelmed, worried, and anxious when my focus strays from the place of true peace.  Fund raising brings up all types of emotions but the One I am working for says that in the midst of that He shall grant me peace.  I found this passage so relevant and encouraging to my season of life I had to share it with everyone.
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August 26th

Are you ever disturbed?

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you. John 14:27.

There are times when our peace is based upon ignorance, but when we awaken to the facts of life, inner peace is impossible unless it is received from Jesus. When Our Lord speaks peace, He makes peace, His words are ever “spirit and life.” Have I ever received what Jesus speaks? “My peace I give unto you”—it is a peace which comes from looking into His face and realizing His undisturbedness.

Are you painfully disturbed just now, distracted by the waves and billows of God’s providential permission, and having, as it were, turned over the boulders of your belief, are you still finding no well of peace or joy or comfort; is all barren? Then look up and receive the undisturbedness of the Lord Jesus. Reflected peace is the proof that you are right with God because you are at liberty to turn your mind to Him. If you are not right with God, you can never turn your mind anywhere but on yourself. If you allow anything to hide the face of Jesus Christ from you, you are either disturbed or you have a false security.

Are you looking unto Jesus now, in the immediate matter that is pressing, and receiving from Him peace? If so, He will be a gracious benediction of peace in and through you: But if you try to worry it out, you obliterate Him and deserve all you get. We get disturbed because we have not been considering Him. When one confers with Jesus Christ the perplexity goes, because He has no perplexity, and our only concern is to abide in Him. Lay it all out before Him and in the face of difficulty, bereavement and sorrow, hear Him say—“Let not your heart be troubled.”

Chambers, O. (1986). My utmost for his highest: Selections for the year. Grand Rapids, MI: Oswald Chambers Publications; Marshall Pickering.

But in Everything by Prayer

It is amazing to watch how faithfully God answers prayer.  This past week really gave me a chance to reflect on the importance of prayer and God's response when we cry out in need.  Being on staff, I am required to raise a budget, which includes my salary, benefits, ministry expenses, etc...  This budget also influences my time on campus with students based on how much I have raised.  So as time this summer has been moving very fast and my lack of a salary is becoming more evident, I have begun to feel the pressure and stress of fund raising.  The key aspect that drives this pressure is knowing that if I don't get what I need raised, I will not be able to get on campus during one of the most crucial parts of the semester for connecting with students. 

Last Monday all the pressure and stress caught up with me.  I came home and the feeling of discouragement, failure, fear, and anxiety hit me.  I realized that it was nearly the end of July and my fund raising seemed stuck.  I had a goal of reaching 50% by the end of July but I was no where close to it.  I felt like I was doing everything wrong, I wasn't being a good staff worker, and that I was being a failure.  On top of that, the anxiety of knowing I needed to be 70% funded to work on campus and to have a salary completely overwhelmed me.  I was distraught. I didn't know what to do.  My dad quickly caught on to my distress and came to the rescue.  He began to comfort me which led me to tears (which for me is a big deal).  But what he did next I believe was the most important thing he could have done for me.  He prayed for me.  He prayed that God would give me strength and provide abundantly for me in my fund raising.  He interceded for me.  And at that point I realized that is what I needed to do and it had totally left my mind.  So I prayed.  But I did not just leave it at that, I found others to start praying for me.  I sent out emails and text messages.  I told my friends I needed people to intercede for me during this hard point in time.  After that, I slept well that night.

God was faithful to those prayers and blessed me with a quick response.  By Wednesday that week God had worked as only He could to bless me with enough support to be 23% funded (and as of right now I am 25% funded with at least 6 appoints in the next 2 weeks and a few others still deciding on support).  It was not an immediate 50% but it showed that if I rely on God, He really does have this all in control and will provide for my needs.  God does great things.  When we rely solely on Him, things go so much better in life.  Though it is not always the easiest thing in the world that He leads us towards and not always according to my schedule, it is always with the promise that He will be there and He will provide.  And I am so glad that my God wants to know when I do feel discourage, afraid, and nervous as He leads me.  When I prayed and told God that I was discouraged, He encouraged me.  When I told Him that I was anxious and nervous, He gave me peaceful sleep and friends to speak God's promises to me.  He is still at work answering those prayers that I spoke last week (and continue to udder today).  

I think it is so easy to forget how important prayer is.  Yet it is vital to being in a relationship with God.  It is time to speak with Him and listen to Him too.  It is a time to^"6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, ⁷ casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6–7 (ESV).  It is a reminder of God's power and His ultimate provision.  Prayer reminds me that I cannot do what I am doing without God.  I need Him to do His will.  So I will continue to be in prayer to build that relationship with my Lord and Savior, and to continually humble myself before the sovereign power of God.

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. 2001 (Php 4:4–7). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society. 

Casting Crowns, Jesus Hold Me Now

When life gets hard and funding doesn't always go to plan, this is good to remember and reflect on.

It's Like Me

It's Like Me ~ By Kutless  (lyrics are below)

This is probably one of my favorite songs by Kutless.  Not does the music just sound great, the lyrics convict my heart.  How often do I miss the opportunities set before me to share my faith?  How many times did I come so close but steer so far from sharing my testimony?  Too often I let fear get in the way of sharing my faith.  I let my old timid and shy nature take control when I should let the Spirit lead me.  I say 2 Timothy 1:7 is my life verse because I need to remember that God did not make me to be fearful and timid but to have a spirit of "power and love and self discipline".  I know that is what God made me to be but too often I let the weakness of my flesh make me believe that is not true.  It seems so hard to say a few words, yet it really isn't all that complicated if I truly believe God will guide me.  What really puts it into perspective for me is the Bridge: "Would my care increase if I truly believed that a life could be saved".  Do I really believe that God can use me to lead another Christ?  Do I really believe this is a matter of eternal life or eternal death?  My initial reaction is yes of course I believe those things... but sometimes by actions seem to say otherwise.  I think that most of us suffer from this same tension though.  I believe that many Christians want to share the Gospel but once the time comes are consumed with fears like I so often am.  We really believe that we should share the Gospel and that God gives us the ability to do it; but then we see it as such a daunting task and then turn away from it.  And I think Jesus saw this coming.  If you look in Luke 10, Jesus does not send people out alone to spread the news but in pairs.  He sends his followers out so they have a support system; they have someone to walk, talk, and pray with during their experiences.  And I think that the buddy system is good even today.  What a way to encourage one another through taking risk and keep each other accountable to sharing the Gospel.  I think Jesus knew what he was doing with that one.

Now as I am going on staff I am so much more aware of this natural reaction of mine.  I need to be constantly conscience of being more intentional about sharing the Gospel.  I am no longer a student learning how to share the Gospel, I am now a leader teaching students how to share the Gospel.  There is no better way to teach than to live as an example.  I can no longer fall victim to remaining comfortable.  I need to be a Christian example for my students to follow and learn from in ALL aspects of Christian life. 

My conversation is leading nowhere
And we talk of God but still I don't share
So many times that I just never saw the chance

It's like me to never see
When it came, when it went
Now it's gone away
It's so like me to never see
When it came, when it went
Now it's gone away

The phone rings with news that he's gone
Just the time I shared my heart was prepared and another soul was won
So much truth to tell, I am so glad I saw the chance

It's like me to never see
When it came, when it went
Now it's gone away
It's so like me to never see
When it came, when it went
Now it's gone away
Sometimes I still never see when perfect opportunities come my way
Would my care increase if I truly believed that a life could be saved

It's like me to never see
When it came, when it went
Now it's gone away
It's so like me to never see
When it came, when it went
Now it's gone away 

Summer CUP 2011

I wrote this after coming back from InterVarsity's Chicago Urban Program (CUP) in July 2011.  It was yet another very transformative point in my life.

I know this is long over due now but for those of you who want to know about how my trip this summer to the Austin neighborhood of Chicago went here you go :)

Summer CUP is one of those things where once you go you don't come back the same.  Something in you changes either your actions, thoughts, beliefs, or heart, something feels different after spending 5 intense weeks of learning about God's heart for justice and how much injustice is in this world. So to prevent this from being a book I'll share with you all some of the most powerful things I learned and experienced while I was spending my summer open to hearing what God had to say about this subjects we so often approach from a distance.

CUP was awesome! God is so amazing He like confirmed that I was supposed to be there on the second day! We were talking about how you have to proclaim the message of Christ but also live out that proclamation, you need to be demonstrating that the Gospel you are preaching is what you say it is and does what you say it does (ie hope, healing, rest, etc...). So evangelism and outreach go hand in hand, well I just so happen to be our chapter's evangelism and outreach coordinator. So what I was learning I need to take back to campus and use my position to help share that with others. So that was epic, it was a total God moment. And it also helped encourage my decision to go on staff more too. I talked to all the staff workers there and they were saying how great it was that I was pursuing it and really encouraging me through it. Then they would talk to me as if I had already been accepted to go on staff even. And my site staff were always saying how excited they were that I was coming on staff and that they knew I would make a good staff worker. But what really sealed the deal was my site staff Chris said that he saw me as his Jr. Staff in the apartment.

Then the other very awesome part yet very challenging and convicting was our manuscript study through the book of Amos. It just showed again and again God's heart for the oppressed and those who experience injustice. But it also showed his anger towards the Israelites in perpetuating the things that broke His heart. He ROARED at the fact that they were only being "sunday morning jews" and causing injustice whether it was direct or indirect. At one point Amos calls them cows because cows are lazy and gluttonous and will trample anything that get in there way of what they want. And it was basically like this when I heard that "wow, I do that...that means I am being called a cow..." I want the easy life and because of that, while I am sitting on my couch, people are being exploited so I can have that easy life. I'm not directly doing it but indirectly doing it and that Angers God. I response to this strong and very challenging conviction, I’m looking into more fair-trade, budgeting my money, shopping thrift store, etc... to not take part in those things as much as I can.  And also I need to be a more informed voter so I can help cause systemic change through my politician choices because it is more than an individual problem but a system problem too...

But it was also a very encouraging experience in seeing how the Church can bring change and reach those who are unreached in our world. So I got to work with a college readiness program and those kids have so much potential and they have dreams and goals and are trying to reach them. They aren't lazy and they getting to know Jesus too all because some people saw that if these kids in these neighborhoods didn't have some one there to invest in them and show them that their education mattered that they need to try hard to get into the schools that would help them (the local public schools are horrible in their neighborhoods, they are called drop out factories so they have to try and get into different ones). But these kids are good kids, they are fighting against the system and the Church is walking along side of them giving them every chance they can for success...it was a good thing to see So I think that is a good over view.

 

I am very excited to be back in Big Rock/Aurora and I can't wait to start using what I've learned about.  It has already been an interesting experience going to the store (try finding fair-trade at woodmans...its hard! but then so exciting to see the cafe next to where I work serves fair-trade coffee!!).  But it is encouraging to come back and see that there are things I can do here, and to be a part of a church that is working to serve the community :)

 

Urbana '09

This was yet another critical moment in my path towards ministry.   I wrote this when I came back from InterVarsity's Mission Conference called Urbana.

Ok for everyone who wants to know about my Urbana experience please read :)

It was so great to watch how God works.... The most defining moment for me at Urbana was the altar call. To see all those glow sticks held high because so many students accepted Christ was such a powerful moment. I can't get over it. It was touching and powerful and inspiring. To see those many people accept God's free gift made me realize how much I appreciate what God did for me even more...

This gift isn't to be taken lightly. He dwelled among us to be able to bring us back to Him. He suffered and died but rose again to give life to us all. The darkness cannot overcome the Light. That is a pretty deep thing to think about...

On top of that amazing image the seminars were so informative. I was so scared that by deciding to be a public school teacher here instead of going over seas was me ignoring God. But God needs Christians in the schools right here, so I am at peace with my decision [at least until I am shown differently ;) ]. Also, there were 400 students at that seminar! Think of the difference 400 teachers can make.... Public school teaching is a mission field. The public school system was described, during the seminar, as a closed country. So God needs to send some one to those places too right?

But it was also a great time to be with friends. It was great to spend so much time with all my friends and to experience such a meaningful event with them. Spending the morning sessions together, lunch, free time, dinner, and the evening sessions were all very memorable moments.

We actually got a table, lunch time was packed lol

And then to see some friends I haven't seen for a long time made it even more awesome :) And I feel like God used the time there to strengthen my relationships with everyone.

Family Group Reunion!!

I think that is a good thing because I struggle with feeling alone and stuff sometimes. So to share this with such great people and just spend such meaningful time with everyone really helped me with that. I feel like we are really friends not just "friends".

So much happened within those five days, there is no way I could write about it all. But I think this captures the biggest part of it. It was a time of worship, praise, growth, fun, adventures, plans, and challenges. It was pretty amazing :)

IVLI in a Nutshell

This note I made after I came back from InterVarsity Leadership Institute back in July 2009.  This is one of the key points in my life that God used to lead me and grow me towards going into ministry.

This had to be one of the greatest and most transformative months of my life. All I know is God really brought me out of my shell. I did things I never thought I could. For starters, I actually went away for a month. I knew absolutely no one and was far from home. But God has created what I am sure are going to be lasting friendships. I went out and did contact evangelism. I've NEVER done anything close to that before but God showed me if I take risks for Him I don't need to fear. I went kayaking. That might not seem like much but I've never done it before. I learned how to swing dance. Never imaged that I would ever be able to perform the simplest step and now I can do the arm bar, belt slide, and inside turn :D. I would never open up to people but I became vulnerable and shared my feelings.

God really used this month to grow me. I learned that I have exousia over the devil's dutamis. I can control my fears. I learned that a life without risk, is a life that isn't trusting God. I learned that if I put it all in God's hands everything will work out. All of my confidence comes from God and that is why I can go out and do His will. I learned that failure isn't always failure, especially when it comes to evangelism. They aren't rejecting me but Jesus and whatever I say was a seed planted. I have come back a new person. God is revealing to me who I could be and should be, and slowly He is bringing that person out into the open. He showed me that I have a voice and what I am thinking matters. So I have to start being a leader and start taking some risks and start stepping it up.

And the friends I made are so amazing!!! I thank God for each and every person He brought to IVLI, especially my family :). You guys are so awesome and God is going to really bless you and use you to bless others (He already used you to bless me). Thanks for being my big brothers and big sisters; I've never been the youngest before. I'll never forget all the time we spent together (volleyball, kayaking, Narnia, Ice cream, thrift store, cards, Taboo, the Quest for the Sea Porcupine, long talks, prayers, campfires, and so much more). I really consider you my family now. You have all been an influence on my life and I appreciate what you have added to it
But every single person at IVLI was a blessing to me and I am so glad to have been able to meet all of you :D. I pray that we will meet again (Urbana??) and that God will continue work in you.

I learned so much and I am so eager to start living my life full of it. It’s a new me and I am so happy I went to IVLI. But now it is time to start taking the steps to keeping this change in my life, a part of my life. Praise God for this new life and I pray for the strength to continue on the path.