I am an Introvert. I love spending time alone reading and thinking. I might not be super talkative but if I say something it means I have processed it and I am finally ready to share with the world what conclusions I have drawn. It is hard for me to juggle many relationships. I enjoy depth as quality over quantity. And for most of my life I have been indirectly told that all these things are bad. That it was not a good thing to only interact with a few people at a party or event. That it was not normal to not speak up often in class discussions. That is was odd to not want to be in the center of attention. That in order for me to be a good leader, I had to be an Extrovert, loud, outgoing, and "fun". Though I was told that people loved and admired my "quiet and gentle spirit", in so many ways I was also told I needed to be different if I was to be a leader, even in ministry work. And I believed all that. I became an "E Ninja", putting every single ounce of energy I had into social gathers and trying to convince others that I was an Extrovert only to be exhausted and drained on a constant basis. I celebrated be crazy and out going because others celebrated it. I was hard on myself when I did not welcome all the new students or talk to one more person at a proxe station because I needed to be an example of leadership.
So why did I put myself through this you may ask. Why did I not just take the back seat and ride things out, and not lead? The truth is God put me in those leadership positions and called me into ministry work. I knew God called me there so I thought I had to change that part of my personality. Leaders in ministry work should be charismatic and out going I was taught, not thoughtful and quiet. So I did just that only to wear myself out on a consistent basis. I believed that this was what leaders should act like only to have God bring that to a grinding halt this summer.
For awhile now I was questioning why God would call me, and Introvert, into what I saw as an Extroverted job. Being in ministry is a very exhausting position for Introverts because dealing with so many people is draining. I questioned how I could possibly be a leader as an Introvert. So at Orientation for New Staff in June when I saw a book on the IVP table about being an Introvert in the Church I had to get it. I wanted to see how an Introvert could possibly be called into ministry when ministry leaders are expected to be such Extroverts. And needless to say what I began to read blew my mind.
And then in the midst of that hearing the words that God made me to be an Introvert and to lead as an Introvert was so refreshing and mind blowing all at once I was not quite sure what to do. Being told that being an Introvert can bring valuable things to the leadership table was a very encouraging thing to hear. How God made me was valuable and I did not need to try to change it. Introverts can be leaders too. The author went on to show Biblical leaders who exhibited more Introverted qualities than Extroverted qualities and I could not believe I never saw it before. He listed off leaders like Jacob, Moses, Mary, and even Jesus exhibited Introverted qualities. Jacob was a quiet man who preferred staying in his tent. Moses stumbled for words and was slow of speech. Mary pondered the news the news from the angel in her heart. Jesus went off to a quiet places to pray and encouraged his disciples to come away from the crowds for awhile. But God used all these people in His plan! God picked out specific people to lead in their Introvertedness.
You might say that this is not all that amazing of a revelation and I should have already known God can use me in my weaknesses. But after 22 years of being told indirectly otherwise, this is a huge deal. And to be told that my personality is not a weakness but a strength really affirms that God carefully and wonderfully made me. In our American culture, the ideal picture of a leader is someone who is personable, outgoing, fun, exciting, charismatic, and energetic. So to be told that the way God created me to be a leader is valuable too is refreshing. To be told that being thoughtful, reflective, and a natural listener are good traits of a leader is an encouraging thing to hear. I do believe that the image of leadership we are so often shown in the American culture is very one sided. There are people out there who have a lot to bring to the table but they are told that because they do not fit the mold they will not be able to do that. We need to encourage people to lead out of their strengths instead of trying to fit a mold that only a few people can actually fill. God's idea of leadership is not based on physical appearance but on the heart (1 Samuel 16:17). So now I am relearning what it means that God called me into leadership and what it looks like to remain true to who I am as an Introvert and lead at the same time.
